Speaking to your children
Overview | Young Children | Teens/Young Adults
One of the first things to remember is that the age of a child is only a general indication of what they are capable of understanding. A five-year-old child may understand some things better than an eight-year-old, but it depends on the particular child.
Very small children are not yet able to fully comprehend what it means to be ill. On the whole they:
- Are interested in what is going on at the moment
- Only need simple explanations
- Need to have these explanations repeated as time goes on
It is a good idea to explain in simple terms why someone close to them is feeling poorly today. Parents will need to think about what needs to be discussed early on and what can be communicated over time. For example, it may be hard for a young child to understand why they shouldn't climb on mom or dad today if they haven't been warned in advance. They may not understand why dad is home when he is usually at work.
If the children are a bit older, you could explain cancer to them by talking about good and bad cells. There is an abundance of information on the internet, most of which, unfortunately, is not written for children. Still, reading parts of it may help you to understand and therefore explain it better. How much you go into it really does depend on the individual child's understanding and interest. Usually, it is best to keep things as simple as you can.
Many children need reassuring regularly that your illness is not their fault. Whether they show it or not, children:
- Often feel in some way to blame
- May feel guilty for a long time
They might think it is their fault that you are ill because they haven't behaved well enough or because they were once angry with you.
Teenagers can also find it hard to cope with cancer in the family. Just when they want to 'get away', they feel that they ought to be at home. This can make them feel guilty too.
Being open and honest is almost always the best way with children. Listen to their fears and:
- Try to understand that acting out may be their way of showing how upset they are
- You might find that it is useful to give them small pieces of news, gradually building up a picture of your illness
- Don't keep secrets, as even small children can guess when something is wrong
- Remember that their fears of what might happen are likely far worse than the real situation
- Remember that uncertainty or not knowing may be harder for them to cope with than the truth
All adults, particularly parents, want to protect children from the pain of knowing that someone they care about is ill. But not telling them does not necessarily prevent them from knowing that something is seriously wrong and worrying about it. Children are very intuitive and quick to notice unusual comings and goings. Far from protecting children, not talking may leave them feeling left out, uncared for and alone with their fears and fantasies. They may feel more included if you ask them to help with small tasks. But try not to be offended if they don't want to help.
Because it is hard to talk to children about things that are also painful for you it may help to ask your doctor, nurse or counselor for either advice on what to say, or
even to be present at a meeting with the children to help answer their questions.
Finally, you may find these additional tips helpful:
- Take your time
- Go step by step
- Say "I don't know" to questions for which you don't know the answer
- Assure children that they will still be loved and cared for
- Don't tell them everything at once
There are a lot of books about illness and cancer for you to read with children or for older children to read for themselves. Visit our Book Resource for titles that we have found helpful.
